Thursday May 21st

So, yes I love to write in the middle of 'it' - life that is..kind of..'It' has been sucking me up lately: I'm totally merging in my life here. I'm changing back to who I am - will I be able to hold on when I'm back in NL?
Owh to go back..What a joyful and dreadful subject. I'm home here - I love my life (most of the time) here. I'll miss my new friends. I'll miss living in this amazing, crazy, warm, vibrant city..But going home will be good too: seeing my family, my friends..Finishing school.
I know God brought me here..He knew I would grow and now I'm thinking 'do I need to give up again to follow Him? What did this prepare me for?'
Oh yes..middle of life: I'm sitting in Herald Square right now. It is a little triangle, two busy streets on the long sides. People sit here waiting, some eat dinner..on my left there's a couple who probably haven't seen each other in a while: we have one of those please-get-a-room-situations going on over here.. Right in front of me there was a young dad with his ice cream eating son. They just left because the little boy got upset because his dad fixed his ice cream...Families, visitors, homeless people, groups of friends..the sun is out..there's a light, warm breeze... Occasionally, some BBQ smells fly by; the street vendor on the corner. All happening right this second as I am waiting for a friend:) We're going to a concert tonight - my first one in NYC!!

So, someone just asked me if I am a writer..funny.. I like how people make small talk or ask questions (kind of personal ones) to total strangers. He noticed that I'm observing people and writing. 1+1 must be 2:) Cute. I'll take it as a compliment.

Life in New York: Bryant Park lunches with friends, a concert tonight, and a movie/dance party at my place tomorrow..

Don't be nice in a bar

Life lessons can be learned anywhere..I guess. Even around midnight in a bar...

My friend , darling Miss K., celebrated her birthday in a very big, college-like way: going out to a bar with lots of friends. My first official night out in NYC..must say, it is not that much different from Amsterdam or Chico for that matter.. The night starts with girls dancing with each other; drink in hand, some MTV-like moves..The men (boys, adolescents, members of the other sex) stand and watch, drink in hand...As the night continues and more and more alcohol is consumed the guys join. By this time they are intoxicated enough to not really feel (or at least remember..) rejection..and the girls..eh..have killed so many brain cells that they can't really be hold responsible for the "dances" they do...
So..oh yes..my lesson..I learned it the "hard way"..One of Miss K.'s friends was here in NY for the first time..and at some point he seemed a little lost..standing alone..So I started talking to him for a bit, see if he liked the city and enjoyed his time here...Result: My dear friend Miss E. had to 'save' me on the dance floor - which she did like pro!; we left 1/2 an hour earlier (okay, we were home around 2AM, so that was not such a bad thing after all) and I have a facebook friend request with which I do not know what to do...

I guess on the list "Important Life Lessons" this one should come fairly high..right after "Floss daily" or something..

to communicate

April 17th: I'm having a serious toddler flashback. I'm sitting at my desk feeling strangly unsettled..sort of angry..almost in tears..Reason: I seem unable to express myself well when I talk with my boss. We don't (she does not) understand each other (me). I'm trying to say it right and in different ways. And I think we're actually are on the same page but I'm not sure..so now I'm sitting here, remembering the strange feeling of an upcoming tantrum. Is this how I felt when I was 2? Wanting to say something but not able too? Frustrated to the core? What a horrible feeling it is!

If you think about the challenges we overcome while being very very young; learing to walk, learning to comprehend and vocalize a language wíth the cultural connotations...How could this not encourage us for any challenge we face as grown ups.."hey, I managed to learn how to walk, I'll manage ... ".

However, this was not one of those encouraging days..but it was intersting to experience a feeling I did not remember.. luckily, the weather was a-m-a-z-i-n-g..warm..inviting..spring..almost summer-like, so a good day after all! And yes, I did manage to finish the assignment successfully. 1-0 for the grown up me:) Maturity prevails - no tantrums for me anymore...

USPS&I

Right this second I'm thoroughly enjoying a café au lait aka latte..it is pure perfection in a cup. I don't remember enjoying coffee this much - but this is amazing...the soft roasted flavor, covered with the sweetness of steamed milk. Perfectttt! Just like my cup of Pickwick Sterremunt tea my parents sent me 7 (!) weeks ago, but arrived yesterday.

Or 'arrived'..that's kind of an overstatement: Last Saturday I finally found a note in my mailbox saying that the mailman/woman "tried to deliver" but he/she failed (miserably - because I was HOME!! All that was needed was to ring the door bell - exhale..count to 10) and that I could pick it up at my local post office; open mon-fri 8:00-5:00, sat 8:00-4:00. But, if I didn't by the 17th it would be send back.
Taking no chances: Monday morning I will be at the post office! Leaving the apartment at 8:05AM! It's an approx. 5 min walk. Made sure I'd emailed my boss that I might be a little late thinking that I would stand in line maybe 15/20 minutes, take the train and be in by 9:15ish..WRONG..The post office is not around the block, it's 3 blocks down..one straight line though..so I arrived at 8:15..just 2 people were standing in line "Perfect", I think. After a minute I realize no one is being served. "hmmm, DR time-schedule" I think by myself (side note: our neighboring 'hood is unofficially called Little DR, referring to the - I assume - background of most of its inhabitants) which might have been a condescending thought, or a culturally conscious one..either way. Suddenly my eye falls on a note: New Hours: mon-fri 9:00-5:00, sat 9:00-4:00...What? WHAT?? Are you kidding me? So much for 'a little late'. But, what do you do? I need my package..I need to send a gift..So..as the clock moves forward more and more people show up..some leave realizing they will not be assisted for another good 30 minutes. I read a bit..try to listen in on a Spanish-with-an-accent-conversations..observe the amazing safety/protection construction of the counters. There is no, ab-so-lu-te-ly no way to get to any one behind the counter..the Plexiglas is an inch thick, what a world apart from the Dutch post offices.
By 9 the hall is packed; a door opens up and a woman appears "we're sorry but the PCs don't work. We hope to fix the problem in the next 10 minutes - crowd sighs - please have some patience". owhhhhh..GREAT..Luckily I've had a lot of patience training in Trader Joe's...see, comes in handy in unexpected moments!
9:15ish: 3 out of 7 (!) windows open and it's my turn quickly. Send my package..but for picking up I need to be at another window - AARGH bureaucrats!! "thank you," I say and smile. Next window - wait..woman disappears and I end up being assisted by the first lady..
Ooh, USPS..what to say about you.. Do basic services like mail give a snapshot impression of a country's culture? Then what does USPS say about the American culture? What does the TNT say about the Dutch?

Right before I leave a man showed the safety/protection constructions where not just decorations. He flips out about the line..being in line for 5/10 minutes was clearly too much on a Monday morning..and he demanded at the top of his lungs to speak to the manager.. "Look dude, I've been here one-hour-and-a-half..have a little patience" I thought by myself..and walked to the subway.

Tuesdays..

Okay, maybe some jobs are eternal first days (see First Days - 01/26/09 blog entry). The days that I don't like my work here by far outnumber the days that i do like my job...or internship..or slave labor..whatever. It makes me wonder: Is my judgment that off? Was I too optimistic? Or am I, right now, too pessimistic? I wrote my parents a somewhat dramatic email - promptly my mom called and we chatted half-an-hour-in-hell's-portal away....Okay no, I can't say that..that would make my "co-workers" little demons......okay, no! Stop it, me!! There is simply not enough for me to do..so I work v e r y s l o w...and the things I do are too simple data entry/checking/double checking stuff. Oh, how I remember my schools internship coordinator saying "There is no strategic aspect in this internship description" to which I smart-mouthly answered "Well, does a company not have the freedom to add that later??" while I should have said "oooooh no! Thank you for warning me... I will gladly forgo my 6 month New York big city adventure and the daily struggle to NOT poke out my eyes, out of pure boredom...and the increasing tendency to trow my ancient (correction: pre-historic) PC out of the window. ('Dangit, I left all my floppy disks somewhere in the Dutch city's trash collection site, if only I had known...).
So yes, this Friday I'm at my internship-mid-point ..just 10 more weeks to go..A lot can happen in 10 weeks - trying to stay positive here. And a lot can not happen..Anyway, unlike my starting point for this whole ordeal..I'm not here for my internship..I'm here for New York (and whatever adventure God did have in mind for me, because clearly ESCADA was a nice wrapping of a much much better gift: New York, New Friends, New Life Experience) - and I'm loving it.

..and God heard her cry..

If you look at my last blog entry you'd might think that blogging was my lent-give-up-thing..but it was not. The last couple of weeks were a little rough. I don't like to write when I'm down - making sure you're not reading a wailing wall here..and right now my head is spinning with all the things I want to tell you. They might not be big things but they were profound..small breakthroughs with life long impact? Who knows:) But to sum up, these past 3-4 weeks I've gotten a year older (24 was a marked year for me..and reaching it was harder than I thought it would be), I've continued to work at my internship (realizing that if this was my job back home..that I would quit and look for something else..that's how much I 'like' it), I've cut ties with a ghost from my past (which was hard because it felt as if I was giving up on hope..but now I know I was hoping for a chocolate chip cookie while God promised me an über-delicious pie - oh help me..I'm speaking food-metaphors:) I gave up music for 21 days (yes I managed to extend it one day - no..decided 21 was better than 20 - I'm a sucker for symbolisms:) it was a challenge..and confronting..but very very good to do! I shopped (clothes..shoes..lots and lots of groceries), cleaned..read, listened, hung out with friends, cared..cried, laughed..loved, missed, and enjoyed music again..

Yesterday I sat in the subway on my way home..with a Trader Joe's grocery bag on my lap..being very content with my life..watching boys and girls being all dressed up for a night in town.. because yes..it was 10.15ish PM...'And this is my life', I thought, 'this is me. Going home on Saturday night with groceries..happy as a clam.' I spend the day with a very sweet new friend. We shopped a little, talked about life, chalked on Union Square, had diner with her roommate..walked around..and ended up in Trader Joe's for a all-most-midnight grocery shopping trip. So, yes, I'm back from my dark days and enjoying my life here in the BIG city very much:)

And thus which cry did God hear? God heard my heart..my dreams, desires..my hopes and fears..It is amazing how He knows me..How my life makes sense looking back..and that gives me freedom to be excited about what's going to come because I know that if I stay close to Him, my life will be full beyond what I could possibly imagine (Isaiah 55:8-9). I've been reading the book 'Desire' by John Eldredge and in it he says '..holiness is not numbness; it is sensitivity. It is being more attuned to our desires, to what we were truly made for and therefore what we truly want. Our problem is that we've grown quite used to seeking life in all kinds of things other than God. --- And so May comments, "The more we become accustomed to seeking spiritual satisfaction through things other than God, the more abnormal and stressful it becomes to look for God directly." --- And so the first command comes first. God tells us to love Him with all our hearts and all our souls, with all our minds and all our desires. When we don't look for God as our true life, our desire for Him spills over into our other desires, giving them an ultimacy and urgency they were never intended to bear. --- All we truly need is God. Prone to wander from Him, we find we need all sorts of other things. Our desire becomes insatiable because we've taken our longing for the Infinite and placed it upon finite things. God saves us from the whole mimetic mess by turning our hearts back to Him.'
And that is what God has been teaching me..taking a broader perspective and trusting Him with my heart.

Weather Schizofrenia and falling in love

Perhaps it is this country's preference for extremes or having it all - in a big way. But we went from even-if-i-wear-all-my-clothes-i-will-not-be-warm-enough on Monday to absolute gorgeous Spring weather 1-cotton-layer-is-perfect on Saturday. We met two seasons in one week! Sunday night there was a weather warning for a snow storm and the schools were closed on Monday! And then came Saturday..62*F (16*C)..a warm breeze through the city.. What a beautiful end of the week it was! Amazing! and I fell in love with NYC..

One of my favorite chains in the United States is Trader Joe's. Love their stores, love the concept...but there is only one in ALL of Manhattan. ONE, EIN, UNO, UN, EEN! One store for (I googled it..but the answers vary) 1.5 million people on the island itself! And 2 stores for the 8 million inhabitants of New York City (there is one in Brooklyn too).. So, okay not EVERYONE shops at Trader Joe's..but still..
Having been there twice now I have learned that there are 3 categories of TJ's-shoppers: 1. The new ones like me: probably new NYC inhabitants looking for some TJ's comfort and good vitamin deals. They come in by themselves and try to blend in with a basket or a card. Shopping, searching and observing at the same time. Then there are the new ones who do not live in NYC but are welcome visitors; tourists and the like. They shop around in mere oblivion..Enjoying the store and it's variety of products. That is..if they are not scared away by the register line which often starts at the door or somewhere in the middle of the store..giving you a good 20 minutes to exercise patience. And then there is the third group: the TJ's trained customers. This group knows the store and has a plan. They come with a partner - a spouse, a friend, a date, a child, a neighbor or grandma - who, as soon as they enter the store - park in line with basket or usually a cart. And THEN they roam through the store looking for all they need and return to the cart time after time with their treasures. Since the line goes right by the cheese, milk, cereal and yogurt those items are collected while passing by. Sometimes things are reversed..mom will stand in line and child will hunt. I guess it is a way to train youngsters about how to collect food and necessities in the world "no no, i mean the other soup..to your left..LEFT! yes..no the green pack. Yes that's the one! Okay, now go get bread..the one we always have." And child heads out to hunt some more..

So it got me thinking (20 minutes in line gives you time to think or read if you brought a book). It would be an interesting dating arena. You match with someone online or where ever. And decide to meet at TJ's to chat a bit while shopping. Park him in line (cause you're part of the trained group now) and find your stuff while at the same time chatting so now and then. Then you switch - he goes and collects and then you wait together in line while getting to know each other. It is perfect, casual - a little conversation, a little action, and you can learn a lot about someone by looking at what they buy. Of course you each pay for your own groceries..maintaining independence. And if you clicked, there could be a real date later or a drink right away at a nearby establishment. And if you happen to lack any kind of similarity, no biggie..you've got your TJ's groceries in an effective way..and parting ways at the stores entrance provides the chance to forgo the whole weird goodbye (should I let him walk me home..do we shake hands? or kiss on the cheek? or kiss?). But, I'll think about it some more before I place an ad :)