Tuesdays..

Okay, maybe some jobs are eternal first days (see First Days - 01/26/09 blog entry). The days that I don't like my work here by far outnumber the days that i do like my job...or internship..or slave labor..whatever. It makes me wonder: Is my judgment that off? Was I too optimistic? Or am I, right now, too pessimistic? I wrote my parents a somewhat dramatic email - promptly my mom called and we chatted half-an-hour-in-hell's-portal away....Okay no, I can't say that..that would make my "co-workers" little demons......okay, no! Stop it, me!! There is simply not enough for me to do..so I work v e r y s l o w...and the things I do are too simple data entry/checking/double checking stuff. Oh, how I remember my schools internship coordinator saying "There is no strategic aspect in this internship description" to which I smart-mouthly answered "Well, does a company not have the freedom to add that later??" while I should have said "oooooh no! Thank you for warning me... I will gladly forgo my 6 month New York big city adventure and the daily struggle to NOT poke out my eyes, out of pure boredom...and the increasing tendency to trow my ancient (correction: pre-historic) PC out of the window. ('Dangit, I left all my floppy disks somewhere in the Dutch city's trash collection site, if only I had known...).
So yes, this Friday I'm at my internship-mid-point ..just 10 more weeks to go..A lot can happen in 10 weeks - trying to stay positive here. And a lot can not happen..Anyway, unlike my starting point for this whole ordeal..I'm not here for my internship..I'm here for New York (and whatever adventure God did have in mind for me, because clearly ESCADA was a nice wrapping of a much much better gift: New York, New Friends, New Life Experience) - and I'm loving it.

..and God heard her cry..

If you look at my last blog entry you'd might think that blogging was my lent-give-up-thing..but it was not. The last couple of weeks were a little rough. I don't like to write when I'm down - making sure you're not reading a wailing wall here..and right now my head is spinning with all the things I want to tell you. They might not be big things but they were profound..small breakthroughs with life long impact? Who knows:) But to sum up, these past 3-4 weeks I've gotten a year older (24 was a marked year for me..and reaching it was harder than I thought it would be), I've continued to work at my internship (realizing that if this was my job back home..that I would quit and look for something else..that's how much I 'like' it), I've cut ties with a ghost from my past (which was hard because it felt as if I was giving up on hope..but now I know I was hoping for a chocolate chip cookie while God promised me an über-delicious pie - oh help me..I'm speaking food-metaphors:) I gave up music for 21 days (yes I managed to extend it one day - no..decided 21 was better than 20 - I'm a sucker for symbolisms:) it was a challenge..and confronting..but very very good to do! I shopped (clothes..shoes..lots and lots of groceries), cleaned..read, listened, hung out with friends, cared..cried, laughed..loved, missed, and enjoyed music again..

Yesterday I sat in the subway on my way home..with a Trader Joe's grocery bag on my lap..being very content with my life..watching boys and girls being all dressed up for a night in town.. because yes..it was 10.15ish PM...'And this is my life', I thought, 'this is me. Going home on Saturday night with groceries..happy as a clam.' I spend the day with a very sweet new friend. We shopped a little, talked about life, chalked on Union Square, had diner with her roommate..walked around..and ended up in Trader Joe's for a all-most-midnight grocery shopping trip. So, yes, I'm back from my dark days and enjoying my life here in the BIG city very much:)

And thus which cry did God hear? God heard my heart..my dreams, desires..my hopes and fears..It is amazing how He knows me..How my life makes sense looking back..and that gives me freedom to be excited about what's going to come because I know that if I stay close to Him, my life will be full beyond what I could possibly imagine (Isaiah 55:8-9). I've been reading the book 'Desire' by John Eldredge and in it he says '..holiness is not numbness; it is sensitivity. It is being more attuned to our desires, to what we were truly made for and therefore what we truly want. Our problem is that we've grown quite used to seeking life in all kinds of things other than God. --- And so May comments, "The more we become accustomed to seeking spiritual satisfaction through things other than God, the more abnormal and stressful it becomes to look for God directly." --- And so the first command comes first. God tells us to love Him with all our hearts and all our souls, with all our minds and all our desires. When we don't look for God as our true life, our desire for Him spills over into our other desires, giving them an ultimacy and urgency they were never intended to bear. --- All we truly need is God. Prone to wander from Him, we find we need all sorts of other things. Our desire becomes insatiable because we've taken our longing for the Infinite and placed it upon finite things. God saves us from the whole mimetic mess by turning our hearts back to Him.'
And that is what God has been teaching me..taking a broader perspective and trusting Him with my heart.

Weather Schizofrenia and falling in love

Perhaps it is this country's preference for extremes or having it all - in a big way. But we went from even-if-i-wear-all-my-clothes-i-will-not-be-warm-enough on Monday to absolute gorgeous Spring weather 1-cotton-layer-is-perfect on Saturday. We met two seasons in one week! Sunday night there was a weather warning for a snow storm and the schools were closed on Monday! And then came Saturday..62*F (16*C)..a warm breeze through the city.. What a beautiful end of the week it was! Amazing! and I fell in love with NYC..

One of my favorite chains in the United States is Trader Joe's. Love their stores, love the concept...but there is only one in ALL of Manhattan. ONE, EIN, UNO, UN, EEN! One store for (I googled it..but the answers vary) 1.5 million people on the island itself! And 2 stores for the 8 million inhabitants of New York City (there is one in Brooklyn too).. So, okay not EVERYONE shops at Trader Joe's..but still..
Having been there twice now I have learned that there are 3 categories of TJ's-shoppers: 1. The new ones like me: probably new NYC inhabitants looking for some TJ's comfort and good vitamin deals. They come in by themselves and try to blend in with a basket or a card. Shopping, searching and observing at the same time. Then there are the new ones who do not live in NYC but are welcome visitors; tourists and the like. They shop around in mere oblivion..Enjoying the store and it's variety of products. That is..if they are not scared away by the register line which often starts at the door or somewhere in the middle of the store..giving you a good 20 minutes to exercise patience. And then there is the third group: the TJ's trained customers. This group knows the store and has a plan. They come with a partner - a spouse, a friend, a date, a child, a neighbor or grandma - who, as soon as they enter the store - park in line with basket or usually a cart. And THEN they roam through the store looking for all they need and return to the cart time after time with their treasures. Since the line goes right by the cheese, milk, cereal and yogurt those items are collected while passing by. Sometimes things are reversed..mom will stand in line and child will hunt. I guess it is a way to train youngsters about how to collect food and necessities in the world "no no, i mean the other soup..to your left..LEFT! yes..no the green pack. Yes that's the one! Okay, now go get bread..the one we always have." And child heads out to hunt some more..

So it got me thinking (20 minutes in line gives you time to think or read if you brought a book). It would be an interesting dating arena. You match with someone online or where ever. And decide to meet at TJ's to chat a bit while shopping. Park him in line (cause you're part of the trained group now) and find your stuff while at the same time chatting so now and then. Then you switch - he goes and collects and then you wait together in line while getting to know each other. It is perfect, casual - a little conversation, a little action, and you can learn a lot about someone by looking at what they buy. Of course you each pay for your own groceries..maintaining independence. And if you clicked, there could be a real date later or a drink right away at a nearby establishment. And if you happen to lack any kind of similarity, no biggie..you've got your TJ's groceries in an effective way..and parting ways at the stores entrance provides the chance to forgo the whole weird goodbye (should I let him walk me home..do we shake hands? or kiss on the cheek? or kiss?). But, I'll think about it some more before I place an ad :)

Cuddly Feet and Fasting part 2

I have a confession to make: I, second daughter of two old YWAM-ers (old as in former, I DON'T think you're old, mom, honestly:), and one of them a true-blood hippy, have surrendered to the masses in an obvious decadent way and have bought Uggs (this happend pre-lent by the way...)and am loving them! It is like walking on air..big fluffy clouds, cotton candy..i-might-be-growing-wings-cause-i-feel-lighter-feet. But, in my defence, having good (and warm - there is about 8 cm of snow right now!) shoes is a necessity here in NYC. Most destinations (work, church, grocery store, friends) are reached by a combination of public transport and the two o'bones&muscle sticks. And apart from the fact that they were too cold, my sneakers decided it was enough and died last week..and walking on my high heels is something I prefer not to do too much because 1. bad knee - accident and 2. I still have good feet - never walked on high heels much.....And so I bought my first pair of Uggs online - speaking of decadency.



You might wonder how lent/fasting is going for me and if (and what) I decided to give something up. Well, what I am currently NOT doing is the thing that will impact my relationship with God the most AND is practical - without severe social or economic consequences. Economic?? Yes, America, the only reason you're still here is because of the amount of euros I personally pump into your economy - just kidding..but I'm trying to do my part.. However, I am making it a bit easier by not setting the bar too high: it's only for 20 days and then I'll either continue, switch to doing something else NOT or stop doing something not while continueing to do what I think lent and fasting stand for - connecting with God.
I do have to say though that having no music makes all other forms of media/entertainment much more attractive. So right now, I am trying to find a balance between not banning all media and still creating enough quiet spaces in my day to connect with God. But somehow music finds me...if not through the joyful distribution of second hand music from my fellow subway rider than through the amazing collection in my head. I've heard tunes that haven't been around for y-e-a-r-s! :)