..and God heard her cry..

If you look at my last blog entry you'd might think that blogging was my lent-give-up-thing..but it was not. The last couple of weeks were a little rough. I don't like to write when I'm down - making sure you're not reading a wailing wall here..and right now my head is spinning with all the things I want to tell you. They might not be big things but they were profound..small breakthroughs with life long impact? Who knows:) But to sum up, these past 3-4 weeks I've gotten a year older (24 was a marked year for me..and reaching it was harder than I thought it would be), I've continued to work at my internship (realizing that if this was my job back home..that I would quit and look for something else..that's how much I 'like' it), I've cut ties with a ghost from my past (which was hard because it felt as if I was giving up on hope..but now I know I was hoping for a chocolate chip cookie while God promised me an über-delicious pie - oh help me..I'm speaking food-metaphors:) I gave up music for 21 days (yes I managed to extend it one day - no..decided 21 was better than 20 - I'm a sucker for symbolisms:) it was a challenge..and confronting..but very very good to do! I shopped (clothes..shoes..lots and lots of groceries), cleaned..read, listened, hung out with friends, cared..cried, laughed..loved, missed, and enjoyed music again..

Yesterday I sat in the subway on my way home..with a Trader Joe's grocery bag on my lap..being very content with my life..watching boys and girls being all dressed up for a night in town.. because yes..it was 10.15ish PM...'And this is my life', I thought, 'this is me. Going home on Saturday night with groceries..happy as a clam.' I spend the day with a very sweet new friend. We shopped a little, talked about life, chalked on Union Square, had diner with her roommate..walked around..and ended up in Trader Joe's for a all-most-midnight grocery shopping trip. So, yes, I'm back from my dark days and enjoying my life here in the BIG city very much:)

And thus which cry did God hear? God heard my heart..my dreams, desires..my hopes and fears..It is amazing how He knows me..How my life makes sense looking back..and that gives me freedom to be excited about what's going to come because I know that if I stay close to Him, my life will be full beyond what I could possibly imagine (Isaiah 55:8-9). I've been reading the book 'Desire' by John Eldredge and in it he says '..holiness is not numbness; it is sensitivity. It is being more attuned to our desires, to what we were truly made for and therefore what we truly want. Our problem is that we've grown quite used to seeking life in all kinds of things other than God. --- And so May comments, "The more we become accustomed to seeking spiritual satisfaction through things other than God, the more abnormal and stressful it becomes to look for God directly." --- And so the first command comes first. God tells us to love Him with all our hearts and all our souls, with all our minds and all our desires. When we don't look for God as our true life, our desire for Him spills over into our other desires, giving them an ultimacy and urgency they were never intended to bear. --- All we truly need is God. Prone to wander from Him, we find we need all sorts of other things. Our desire becomes insatiable because we've taken our longing for the Infinite and placed it upon finite things. God saves us from the whole mimetic mess by turning our hearts back to Him.'
And that is what God has been teaching me..taking a broader perspective and trusting Him with my heart.